trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
