A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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