I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
