She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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