we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
where are my eyebrows?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
