I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
