Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
