We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize