Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
