Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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