I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
