Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
