Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
