Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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