there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
