so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
