You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
