I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
