remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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