Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
