Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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