You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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