I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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