You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
