All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
