I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
