I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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