every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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