You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize