best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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