hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
