why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
