Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
