But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize