She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
