blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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