he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
