Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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