what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
