So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize