No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
