Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
