party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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