You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
