I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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