highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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