My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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