I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize