Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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