In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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