someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Say something about gay babies.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
