I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize