I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
