Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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