So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
