dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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